


Adult Quintet Drunken Gay Tapdancing Extravaganza: Kite x and x Sluts

by kiboutozetsubou, youreyestheyglow



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Cultural Appropriation, Glitter, Illumi's hole, Kim Kardashian - Freeform, Lady GaGa - Freeform, Lapdancing, M/M, Macklemore - Freeform, bungee gum being used for nefarious purposes, chrollo's big milky tiddies, dicks everywhere, donald trump - Freeform, genital trauma, haha tiny dick ging, indoor fish, more refs than actually necessary, no actual tapdancing but, pariston's poor dead house, poor kite, tw naked hisoka
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-05
Updated: 2015-12-05
Packaged: 2018-05-05 01:04:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,158
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5355008
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kiboutozetsubou/pseuds/kiboutozetsubou, https://archiveofourown.org/users/youreyestheyglow/pseuds/youreyestheyglow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Adult Quintet goes to Pariston's house to get drunk. They text/snapchat/facetime their shenanigans to Kite.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Adult Quintet Drunken Gay Tapdancing Extravaganza: Kite x and x Sluts

**Author's Note:**

> Kiboutozetsubou says:  
> ／(=✪ x ✪=)＼ᕦ(⌒⊆⌒ ᕦ)♪└(◔‿◔)┐♪ლ(╹◡╹ლ)凸(｀⌒´メ)凸ƪ(•̃͡ε•̃͡)∫ʃ(ノಠ益ಠ)ノ彡┻━┻～ΜᎧrRγ сняᎥᎦτмᏜs*～
> 
> julia my mind is preoccupied w chrollo’s big milky tiddies and i dont know what to do  
> ( . Y . ) chrollo’s tiddies  
> 

“Bye, babe.”

No goodbye kiss. No goodbye hug. Ging hasn’t showered in three days.

“We’re going to Pariston’s house,” Ging had announced a few days ago. “I will be greasy enough to destroy the fucking Sparkle Mansion.”

“You’re not allowed to touch me until you shower,” I had reminded him. He decided that that was acceptable, as long as he could get grease on every mirror in the house. So when Illumi arrives, Ging just waves goodbye, and then he’s gone.

I check the clock. I’ve got twenty minutes of peace and quiet. I put water on for tea, and begin my post-Ging-grease cleaning.

I lysol the doorknobs, swiffer the tile, vacuum the rugs, change the sheets on the bed Ging has been sleeping in - because he has _not_  been in mine - and resolve to bleach the bathrooms tomorrow. No time for bleaching things now, but the water has boiled, the tea is steeping, and I have a clean blanket on the couch. I’m ready.

My phone lights up.

freecsshow420 has snapchatted me.

It’s a blurry picture of something large, looming into the sky, and _sparkling_. Caption: _its fuckin huge goddamn glitter af_

I answer: _much cleaner than our house._

Two minutes later, I get a picture of the door. _he still hasnt answered where tf is he_

And then, a picture of a window. _i saw him he was in the window_

A picture of another window. _now hes in that one_

A shaky video:

_Chrollo stands in front of the door._

_“Break it down! Break it down! Break it down!” Hisoka yells in the background._

Another shaky video:

_Chrollo pulls back his fist. A crack resounds through the air._

A picture of a slab of wood on the floor: _he used to have a door but no more_

Another picture of a gaping hole in the wall, captioned _hes got a really big window now_

A couple minutes later, I get a picture of something very bright: _look at that fuckin chandelier_

Only thirty seconds later, I get a picture of pants: black leggings, flames drawn up the sides. Caption: _WHAT ARE THOOOOOSE_

A second, blurrier picture of Illumi - looking away from the camera, of course, I can’t imagine him allowing Ging to take pictures of him - in the flame-covered pants, wearing a white shirt that looks like someone tried to mummify him and gave up after finishing his torso. _no really what are those_

A third picture, also of Illumi, but from the side:  _kite help i dont understand them_ _  
_

A picture of the floor: _this is where i am now_

Another picture, same floor: _illumi punched me_

A picture of Hisoka: _hi Kite ♡_

A picture of abs: _I’m hotter than ur husband ♡_

A picture of Hisoka on the floor: _i_ _got him back for you babe_

A video:

_“Shh, shh, he’s coming, he’s coming, hide Chrollo, oh my god -” Hisoka yells._

_“I think I see glitter,” Ging mutters. “He’s on his way.”_

_Pariston sweeps down the curved staircase in a bathrobe._

A few seconds later, I get a second video.

_“Hello!” Pariston cries, extending a welcoming arm. “So sorr - WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY DOOR!”_

A third video:

_Chrollo, hands on his hips, in front of Pariston. Pariston has his hands up defensively, smiling amicably. “So sorry to keep you waiting, like I was saying. So sorry. Perfectly understandable. No hard feelings.”_

A picture of the liquor cabinet: _its time_

I set my phone down and turn on the animal channel - Ging won’t watch it with me, he cries over it. I’ve got some time, now, while they get drunk. Maybe I’ll bleach the bathrooms. Maybe there would be no point, because Ging’s only going to come home and get dirt all over them anyway. Hmm. I could bleach the one and leave the other. That’s a good idea. I’ll do that.

Thirty minutes later, I hear my phone chime. Ging’s got good timing; I’ve just finished washing off the sponge.

It chimes again.

It chimes three more times before I get to it.

The first chime was a text from Ging: _WERE PLAYING STRIP POKER IM SORRY BABE I DIDNT WANT THIS BUT THEY IGNORED ME_

The second was not from Ging, but it was sent from his phone: _hey we’re playing strip poker if you want to join ♡ I know you want to see these abs again ♡ no shame in admitting thatganfkjp_

The third was also a text: _IM SORRY I TRIED TO KEEP HIM FROM SENDING IT BUT PLEASE TELL ME MY ABS ARE BETTER THAN HIS_

The fourth chime was a snapchat, a video of Chrollo removing his jacket to cheers and a wolfwhistle.

The fifth was another video:

_“I’m only in a bathrobe! This isn’t fair!” Pariston protests._

_“You knew what time we were getting here, it’s not our fault!” Chrollo reminds him._

_“No, please, let ‘im put on more clothing, no one wants to see that,” Ging begs._

_“I hate to say this, but Ging is -”_

The video ends before I can find out what Pariston thinks Ging is. Fortunately, another one begins right after it:

_“Say it! SAY IT!” Ging roars._

_“Say what? I’m afraid I’ve lost you,” Pariston says with a shrug._

_The camera flips around, and I get a beautiful close-up of Ging’s nose. “HE SAID I WAS RIGHT.”_

I respond with a video of myself: _“Ging, your abs are better than Hisoka’s. And of course you’re right. You tend to be.”_

I receive a picture of Hisoka with his face buried in Illumi’s shoulder. _i think hes crying i love you_

I snapchat him a heart.

The next snapchat I get isn’t from freecsshow420, it’s from gonwiththewind. It’s a picture of Gon and Killua, both grinning, captioned _volunteering at the hospital!!!_

freecsshow420 snapchats me a stunning portrait of Pariston with his hands over his dick, captioned _lol loser_

I respond to Gon with a picture of the wall captioned _like father, like son._

I get an answer almost instantly, a blurry picture of a hospital cart captioned: _except I work with humans, u work w/_ and then, in a red scrawl beneath the caption, _animals!!!_

Ging snapchats me a picture of his bare legs. _lost that round whoops_

I consider telling Gon that I meant that he was like Ging, but hearing Gon call me his father is a gift I won’t turn down, and I can’t lie to a kid who calls me his dad. I just respond with a heart.

I get a snapchat video of Hisoka stripping off his shirt. And his pants. And his undershirt. And underwear. And socks. Ging is screaming. Chrollo is yelling. Illumi’s poker face is so perfect I’m forced to consider the idea that it’s a mask. I get another video of Ging yelling “HE DIDN’T EVEN LOSE! HE JUST FUCKIN STRIPPED! I NEVER WANTED THIS!”

He sends three more videos of Hisoka. Hisoka stretching, Hisoka strolling around, an aborted video of Hisoka bending over to pat Illumi on the head. He sends a video of the wall, with lots of screaming in the background. He sends a video of Illumi, still sitting on the ground:

_“Why did we stop playing?”_

_“BECAUSE HISOKA IS WAVING HIS ERECT PENIS IN MY FACE,” Ging screeches._

_“Is that abnormal?”_

_“YES!”_

I instantly remember why it was so important to me that Gon was out of the house for this.

I get a text a few minutes later: _made up a new rule. whenever hisoka loses a hand he has to put a piece of clothing on. hes out once hes fully dressed._

Several minutes pass.

I wait.

Another text: _hisokas winning. second only to illumi. hes got his underwear and socks on. i hate him._

A snapchat from paristonhillofficial. It was clearly taken with a selfie stick. Naked Pariston is in one corner, sparkling up at me. Ging is behind him, frowning at what is clearly a losing hand, wearing his turban and his underwear. Chrollo is down to underwear, but he probably arrived shirtless, so he probably hasn’t lost as much as it looks like he’s lost.. Hisoka is in underwear and socks, stretched out next to Illumi, grinning up at the only fully-dressed man in the entire room.

The clock ticks.

I wait.

Three snapchats hit my phone at once, and then three more, and then a text from Ging: _WAIT IM GETTING THE FULL VID_

There are two snapchats each from freecsshow420, paristonhillofficial, and blackwidow666. They’re all of the same twenty seconds: a pained screech from Chrollo as he loses, the three of them turning on Illumi, the three of them coming to the conclusion that Illumi needs to strip, the three of them yelling TAKE IT OFF, TAKE IT OFF, TAKE IT OFF, and in Chrollo’s - the last one to start and the last one to end - Illumi standing up, clearly in preparation for something.

I turn to my messages and wait for forty seconds before I get the video.

It starts where Chrollo’s left off, with Illumi standing up. His poker face is perfect as he grabs the hem of his shirt and tugs it off - apparently the wrappings are just a design, if a good one. He tosses the shirt aside to assorted cheers, and an appreciative whistle from Hisoka. He grabs the top of his pants, pulls them down, and kicks them into Hisoka’s face. Hisoka laughs and pulls the pants off his face. Illumi pinches the waist of his underwear. Hisoka springs up. Something pink obscures the camera. Ging yells something unintelligible. All I hear is yelling - “YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO SEE HIS DICK, ONLY I’M ALLOWED TO SEE HIS DICK,” “WE’VE ALL BEEN LOOKING AT YOURS FOR LIKE HALF AN HOUR NOW,” “KITE DOESN’T EVEN WANT TO SEE HIS DICK,” “OK BUT YOU DIDN’T HAVE TO GET BUNGEE GUM IN MY EYES!” The video ends. Ging’s caption: hisokas a party pooper someone needs to poop on HIM see how he likes it

I get a text from - an unknown number? Who managed to get my number? They’d have to steal - oh. It must be Chrollo.

It’s a video, taken from much lower down than Ging’s was - around waist height? The phone must be behind Chrollo’s leg. It’s longer than Ging’s was. The beginning is the same, but where Ging’s turned pink, Chrollo’s camera stays clear.

_Illumi pulls his underwear off, entirely unconcerned by Hisoka’s rampage._

_I see the dick Hisoka was so intent on protecting._

_I also see Hisoka returning Illumi’s clothes to him, yelling at Ging, and removing the bungee gum once Illumi is covered enough for The Public to view him with decency._

I text Ging: _Illumi’s is smaller than yours._ It’s a lie, but it’ll make him feel better.

Three minutes later, multiple snapchats and a friend request from elasticlover - whom I suspect is Hisoka but add anyway - come through at once. As soon as I add Hisoka, I get another five snapchats.

_Ging mutters into the phone: “I won’t tell them it was you because I don’t want them to ask how you know but -”_

_“Who told you? Who knows? WHO KNOWS WHAT?”_

_“NO ONE ASKED YOU, HISOKA.”_

Next.

_“Anyway, I said I probably had a bigger dick than Illumi, and Chrollo said he probably has a bigger dick than me, so now we’re having a dick measuring contest. My rep is on the line here. I hope you’re right.”_

I feel guilt for the first time in years, but I heroically move onto the next video, from Pariston.

_“I’d love to know how you found out whose dick is bigger, but I can’t wait to see the results! As you can see, I’m already naked, but I have to stop covering my penis, because -”_

Next video, also Pariston:

_“Because we’re having a dick measuring contest, because of you. I hope you realize I know where you live.”_

Chrollo:

_A dark, blurry video of Hisoka talking to Illumi. “It’s a lie. It’s gotta be a lie. You don’t have to do this. Don’t give in to peer pressure.”_

_“I’d like to do this, Hisoka. I think it would be interesting. I can make my own choices, y -”_

A snapchat from elasticlover, who is, in fact, Hisoka. It’s his dick, captioned _smaller than my boyfriend’s <3._ A second snapchat, a second angle, the same dick, captioned _bigger than your husband’s <3_.  I can’t work up the energy to be surprised. Three more snapchats from Hisoka, all pictures of Ging with a big red X scrawled across them.

A few minutes later, Chrollo sends me another illicit video. It pans around a circle, including a side shot of Chrollo’s own penis. Ging’s is not the biggest. Ging’s is the smallest.

_“You have a very big penis,” Illumi comments from his position next to Chrollo._

_Pariston sparkles and looks down. “Really?”_

_“This is coming from a gay man with the power of self-alteration - you have a really big penis.”_

_“Thanks. I really appreciate that, you know. I mean, I’m the smallest in my family.”_

_Chrollo snickers._

_Illumi whispers, probably to Hisoka - “We should go to his house for Thanksgiving.”_

_Chrollo laughs._

A second video comes in as soon as I finish the first, of my husband with Pariston’s dick in his hand, screaming “I WILL RIP IT OFF. I WILL RIP IT OFF.”

Pinsandneedles sends me a video of Ging, dragging Pariston by the penis, punching Hisoka in the face with his free hand. No context. Chrollo doesn’t help.

Elasticlover sends me a video.

I don’t want to see his dick again.

I watch it anyway. Maybe it’s not his dick.

It’s not.

It’s Illumi backhanding Ging so hard that not only do I hear hand meet face - although, to be fair, Ging’s face is only inches away from the camera - but I see Ging fall, implying that he either released Pariston’s penis or twisted it off entirely. I pray for the first, for Pariston’s sake.

[[can we just appreciate the fact that kite just saw his husband get the shit backhanded the fuck out of him and all he thinks is how worried he is for pariston’s penis]]

A snapchat from Pariston. It’s a closeup of his face, but it’s in the dark. _I know where you live._ I get up and lock the doors. And the windows. And draw the blinds. And consider readying my Crazy Slots. No sense in taking dumb risks.

I retake my seat, but there’s nothing new.

I wait.

Time ticks by.

I wait some more.

A snapchat video from freecsshow420. The whole phone is shaking.

_Ging is giggling. “I… I won… THREE TIMES.”_

_Chrollo, somewhere in the background, says “Kite, Ging has a really low alcohol tolerance. I’m worried abo-”_

Another video.

 _“Kite, baby, babe, babe, babe, this one - this one’s…”_ he holds the phone over three Cards Against Humanity cards, but the video ends before I can read them.

Chrollo texts me. _Ging put “For my next trick, I will pull <Michael Jackson> out of <Harry Potter Erotica.>” he wanted me to tell you that. He won. The rest of us had shitty cards and Pariston thought it was hilarious. He’s not the best judge. Illumi’s worse, though._

He sends me a video of Illumi, sitting off to the side of the table.

_“I don’t understand. How do you pull Michael Jackson out of Harry Potter erotica? It doesn’t make sense. You can’t pull a full-grown man out of literature. It’s not physically possible.”_

He texts _Illumi loses every round. He hasn’t drunk a thing yet._

I text back, _can he even get drunk?_

_Only if he drinks a whole lot at once._

I get a snapchat video from Ging.

_Chrollo looks up into the camera._

_Ging hiccups._

_“He’s textin’ you, babe. He’s…”_

_I get a second video, thirty seconds later. Ging must not have realized that he hadn’t started filming, because, with no context, I get the words: “Chrollo’s big fuckin milky tits.”_

The video ends there.

I get a third video.

_“I… love you. I do. So much. More than Chrollo’s big milky tiddies.”_

A few minutes later, elasticlover sends me a video. _It’s captioned I did this for you <3_

Bungee gum shoots out from behind the camera and hits Ging’s head, while Hisoka narrates: “He’s a lightweight, isn’t he?” Hisoka pulls, and lifts Ging’s head off the table so I can see his face. “He’s won six of the seven rounds we’ve played. It’s probably time to stop, don’t you think?”

Pariston sends me a snapchat, so I get to see Ging’s face from a different angle. “We’re probably just going to leave him there. He’ll be safest there, don’t you think?”

I text Chrollo. _Please, please don’t leave Ging there._

_I won’t._

Several minutes pass.

Illumi facetimes me. I answer.

“We’re playing Truth or Dare,” he tells me.

“Good to know.”

He flips the camera. “Ging is over there.”

I get a good view of four fully dressed men, one of whom is Ging, lying on the floor next to Chrollo. Here’s hoping Illumi’s dressed, too. “Thanks, Chrollo.”

He gives me a thumbs up. “No problem, Kite.”

“Can I go first?” Hisoka asks. Illumi points the camera at him.

“Sure, but nothing bad.”

“All right. Chrollo. Truth or dare.”

“Dare.”

“I dare you to summon your indoor fish.”

Pariston laughs. “Well, we’re off to a bad start - already we’ve gotta rule out a dare!”

Chrollo stands up and summons his book.

Pariston laughs again, at a higher pitch than before. “You don’t have to do it, Chrollo. No one minds if -”

He opens the book.

“Uh, Chrollo -”

Pariston screams. Illumi drops the phone. Something large and white flies through the air, followed immediately by dirt and Pariston screaming “My marble floor!”

A fish soars over the camera.

“Did someone move Ging?” I ask.

No one answers, but I hear glass shattering. The fish disappears.

“Is Illumi down - oh shit,” Hisoka says as he kicks the phone.

I watch as the phone falls. And falls. And falls some more, and keeps falling a little bit longer.

“Hate to interrupt, but is everything okay over there?”

The phone stops falling.

“Sorry, I dug a hole.”

“Is Ging okay?”

“Hisoka,” Illumi calls up to the top, “Is Ging okay?”

“Ging?” Someone yells. “That trash bag actually woke up, believe it or not.”

“Thank you.”

And then there’s light. The camera flares for a second, unable to handle all the light after all that darkness.

“How deep is that hole, Illumi?” Chrollo asks from right next to me.

“Ah, two hundred meters?”

Hisoka giggles. “I didn’t realize your hole was that deep. Filling it in is gonna take some work.”

I hear muffled sobbing in the background. “MY FLOOR!” Pariston shrieks between sobs.

“Is Ging there...?” I call out. All I can see from the phone’s perspective is Chrollo’s chest, and while those big milky tiddies _might_ be impressive, they aren’t what I want to see.

A few seconds later the phone is wrestled out of Illumi’s hand and flipped around so that I see a somewhat unflattering closeup of Ging’s face. “Hey babe, I’m right here.”

“Kite, I want this on record.” The phone is quickly snatched out of Ging’s grasp and refocuses again on Pariston. “Your husband and his friends have utterly destroyed my house and they will be paying for it.”

Before I can respond the call ends.

I get up and double check that the doors are locked. Out of all of them, Pariston makes me the most uneasy.

I can only pray for Ging’s safety.

When I settle back down to check my phone again, a mere thirty seconds later, I surprisingly don’t have any snapchats, calls, or texts. Truth or dare must be over now.

I change into pajamas before I settle back in to watch TV again. I leave my phone on the coffee table. Reading a text and putting on pants at the same time never works well.

When I come back, I have a snapchat, but it’s from Spinner. It’s a selfie of her and Stick with a dog captioned _“Animal shelter volunteering!!”_

So with their respective Friday nights, Gon and Killua are volunteering at a hospital, and my friends are volunteering at an animal shelter. And I’m sitting at home, watching an entire chronology of my husband’s night out with his friends through texting and snapchat.

Still, it is nice in a way that Ging decides to document nearly every moment of his outing. Even if some of those were things that I’d really rather not see. At least I know he’s definitely not trying to hide anything that’s going on.

I tune back into the television.

Twenty-five minutes later, my phone lights up with a text from Ging. _bbe m drunak_

Eloquent.

Soon after, I get a snapchat video from elasticlover. I can’t be cautious with Hisoka’s videos forever, and lord knows I’ve seen everything there is to see, so I just play it.

_It’s a shaky video of Illumi, sitting at what looks to be the bar in Pariston’s kitchen. In front of him are approximately fifteen shot glasses, but it’s hard to count because the camera is shaking, presumably because Hisoka’s maniacal giggling is making him shake._

_“Shots, shots, shots!” Hisoka and Ging start chanting. I think I hear Pariston joining in as well._

I get one from Chrollo next.

_Illumi picks up each shot, one after the other, and downs them._

_All of them._

_In the space of 7.5 seconds._

_He burps._

_Hisoka dives on him._

_Ging’s cheer is interrupted by the end of the video._

Five minutes later, Ging texts me a video. It’s two minutes long.

_Chrollo sits in a chair, arms on the armrests, legs spread._

_Pariston is giving him a lap dance._

_Pariston is wearing nothing except a knitted thong. It’s a minions knitted thong._

_Ging is gasping out words, somehow, in spite of the fact that he’s giggling uncontrollably. “Chrollo fuckin… he just… he started… Chrollo… cried and it was all… cheer him up! Cheer him up! CHEER HIM UP!”_

_Illumi, from a good few feet away, says: “hey, that’s my thong, how’d it get here?”_

I stop the video. I’ve seen too much already.

A few minutes later, I get a snapchat from Ging, a picture of Chrollo sitting in the corner, back to the wall, violet eyes fixed on the glass in his hand. Caption: _it dindnt wirk :(()(((_

Pinsandneedles snapchats me a moment later. It’s a video of Hisoka motorboating Chrollo. Everyone is cheering. Ging is yelling “NICE BATISTAS!”

He sends me another picture. Chrollo is in the corner, facing the wall this time. _noep_

I shoot off a text to Chrollo: _you ok?_

No response.

Nothing from anyone else, either.

Nothing for several minutes.

Did Chrollo pull out the Indoor Fish again?

But that’s not it. It’s not, because I get a video from Ging, of Pariston twerking upside-down against the wall.

I get another video within seconds, from Chrollo:

_“I KNOW THIS IS CULTURAL APPROPRIATION,” he yells, like maybe his microphone isn’t working properly, except it is, and it’s a little deafening. “BUT I’M DOING IT ANYWAY.”_

_Everyone is twerking._

I don’t watch the rest of that one. I don’t need to see Ging fall on his head. I’ll deal with the repercussions of that one later. Maybe his turban and grease will keep him safe. He’ll just slide across the floor until he comes safely to rest against a couch or something.

Hisoka snapchats me.

_“Do an asshole,” he’s yelling. “Not mine, though. I don’t need to see my asshole.Thirteen times was enough.”_

_Illumi, staring blankly at Hisoka, mutates into Donald Trump. “I’m gonna build a wall around you,” he intones. “I’m gonna build it -” he hiccups - “out of my old toupees.” He morphs back into himself. “I don’t wanna be a rapist. Gimme someone else.”_

The snapchat ends.

Ging’s picks up where Hisoka’s left off.

_“Kim Kardashian! She’s my favorite!”_

_Illumi frowns. “What does she look like?”_

_“What? I -”_

The snapchat ends.

Two minutes later, it starts up again. Right before my eyes, Illumi transforms into Kim Kardashian, in her black dress and gloves. He turns, and there’s a ripping noise. He slowly lowers the scintilating material, revealing the ass Kim could only have ever photoshopped. Hisoka whoops and stumbles into the video frame, and the snapchat ends.

It starts up again ten seconds later:

_“Become the prettiest person in this room,” Hisoka orders, giggling, arms around Kim Kardashian._

_Kim becomes Chrollo._

_Hisoka falls back._

_Chrollo jumps into frame, whooping._

_Hisoka shrugs._

_Illumi is still naked._

_Hisoka’s shrug turns into a nod._

_Illumi turns to face the camera._

_Ging says “nOt safe for Kite” and the snapchat ends._

A few minutes later, I receive a snapchat from Ging.

_“Be your favorite singer!” Pariston suggests._

_Illumi, clothed once more, morphs into Lady Gaga._

_Ging screams._

_Hisoka cackles._

_“Sing a song!” Chrollo ejaculates._

_“I do love Telephone,” Lady Gaga says in a monotone._

The snapchats cease for several minutes, during which I’m forced to wait to find out how badly Illumi sings.

I find out four minutes later.

_“Hello, hello, baby you called I can’t hear a thing -”_   
_It is disturbing beyond belief to hear Lady Gaga’s voice coming out of Lady Gaga’s soulless shell of a body._

_Hearing Illumi say he’s “in the club” is not something I ever thought I’d hear, but there he is and here I am and hear it I did._

_“I’m kinda busy, k-kinda busy, k-kinda busy…”_

_As the a cappella version of Gaga’s pumped-up song picks up, Illumi begins to dance._

_He has Gaga’s voice, but not her dancing skills._

_Knees bent inwards, arms waving like he’s trying to remember how to do the King Tut walk, torso twitching side to side - and his face, all the while, is perfectly expressionless._

It’s an experience, I can say that much.

And to be perfectly honest, expressionless and jerky are Gaga’s two main traits, so hey. Illumi’s done pretty well.

A few minutes later, I receive two full videos - one from Ging, one from Illumi - of Hisoka singing Marina and the Diamonds’ Bubblegum Bitch.

He points at Illumi for the lines “Got a figure like a pinup, got a figure like a doll.”

I have never wanted Hisoka to be my bubblegum bitch.

I can’t watch the full video even once, let alone twice. I don’t want to hear Hisoka tell me he’s Miss Sugar Pink liquor liquor lips. I don’t want Hisoka to be my wonder maid. I never want to hear the words “soda pop, soda pop, baby here I come” come out of his mouth. Ever.

Chrollo sends me the third video. Ging doesn’t. Because the third video is Ging and Pariston singing Thrift Shop together.

I can’t even begin to handle that.

Pariston’s clothes might come from a thrift shop, come to think of it. He’d like the irony of using his fortune to buy from a thrift shop.

Pariston sings the line “Walk up to the club like, what up? I got a big cock!” I don’t think it’s my imagination that Ging’s expression turns mildly homicidal in that moment.

I know I said I couldn’t handle this. But I handled the whole thing. I don’t often get to hear Ging rap, and it’s an experience I’d like to get on film more often.

The next video is from Ging.

_Chrollo is singing, throwing all his heart into Holy Virgin by Groove Coverage. “Iiiiiii aa-m your h-o-l-y v-i-r-g-i-n, be gentle all the time…”_

_“He’s such a... fuckin slut,” Ging mutters. Calling it like it is. “Boops… boobs like watermelons, though.”_

_Chrollo turns towards the camera, throwing his arm out on the line “show you all my faces.”_

_“I wanna put my face in those tater tots,” Ging whispers._

_The camera swings over to a corner, where Illumi - he - oh, he’s sitting on Hisoka, ok, that makes sense._

_“GET A ROOM,” Ging yells._

_Chrollo stops singing. “YOU INTERRUPTED ME.”_

_The picture wavers, and then the video ends._

A few minutes later, I get a snapchat video.

_The only light is from the open door._

_Chrollo stands in the doorway._

_“Fuck, Chrollo, the galactic tit,” Ging stage-whispers._

_Chrollo moves, Ging says “WHOOPS,” and the snapchat ends._

Two minutes later, a hazy snapshot of Chrollo makes its way to my phone, captioned: _waw big_

And then, a picture of Chrollo from behind: _this isa big faest!_

Chrollo texts me: _plese tell your husband stop taking picturesa nd let me beat him up_

_Ging, Chrollo says stop taking pictures of him and let him beat you up. You don’t have to let him beat you up._

_ill sotop taking picture swhen u sned me oneof u ;)))()))_

I send him a selfie.

_AYE BABYWILL Y BE MY BABBER?? LIKE, WOWYOU ARE PRETTY HOT AND CUTE- )_

_I already am your babber_

_IMA DE A GOOD CHOICE :DdD_

No matter what anyone says about Ging, he does love me. No matter how drunk he gets.

And then: _ill send u pictures of te clown insead_

My eyes roll back in my head. _that’s not necessary._

But it’s too late. I receive a snapchat.

 _found them!!!!_ says the picture of Hisoka naked on a bedroom floor, Illumi sitting in his lap, one of Hisoka’s hands in Illumi’s hair, the other on Illumi’s ass.

_GING PLEASE STOP_

_ok wheres pariston_

_ALSO UNNECESSARY_

_chroll says were leavin_

_yes come home_

_owm babby_

_< 3_

_< 3_

__

I get spaced-out, blurry pictures of streetlamps, all uncaptioned.

I also get a picture of our front door, right before Ging stumbles through it.

“‘Ey, bab, babe, I’m… showering.” He throws me what I assume is supposed to be a thumbs-up.

“Use the upstairs bathroom, I just cleaned the downstairs one.”

“Eyah.”

Thirty minutes later, the water shuts off. Either he fell asleep in there, or there was a lot of grease to wash out.

I turn off the Animal Channel and head upstairs. He meets me on his way out of the bathroom, barely holding his towel up and dripping wet. He grabs my shoulder. I don’t know if he’s actually going in for a hug or holding himself up, so I wrap my arm around his waist, cause that’s acceptable either way.

He kisses me. Misses at first, but I put my hand on his cheek to hold him still, and we manage it in the end.

“Firs’ timin… days,” Ging slurs, grinning at me. He doesn’t try another kiss, just gently bumps his head against mine. “Bed?”

“Bed.”

“Our bed?”

“Our bed.”

Getting Ging into boxers is a struggle, but I manage it. He curls up around me and passes out. I fall asleep faster than usual, too. It’s good to have him back in my bed.

**Author's Note:**

> [glitter af](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4t8LcLRPJQA)  
> [boob comments](http://flapperwitch.tumblr.com/post/128740964267/the-signs-as-comments-on-nicki-minajs-picture)  
> [minions thong](http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/crochet-minion-willy-warmer-thonge-underwear-christmas-novelty-secret-santa-gift-/251522157054?roken=cUgayN)  
>  We’d like to thank Sirens for the conversation which goes:  
> “Dude, you’ve got a big dick.”  
> “Really?” *blushu*  
> “This is coming from a black gay man. You have a really big dick.”  
> “Thanks, man, that means a lot. I’m the smallest in my family.”  
> “I wanna go to your family thanksgiving.”  
> [big milky tiddies](https://twitter.com/confess_hxh/status/667584689582968832)  
> [The good (edited) version of Thrift Shop](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2aO_JXVSHoM)  
> [The good (nightcore) version of Holy Virgin](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lsgj9aDgIEk)  
> [babber](https://twitter.com/marriage_txt/status/671301296960356354)  
> Secondary title thanks to kiboutozetsubou's friend, who edited one of the title cards to Kite x and x Sluts


End file.
